We live in a predominantly gender dichotomous society. So what happens to the people that don’t fit into the gender binary or sexual imperative of heterosexuality, penis in vagina sex, romantic love and monogamy? Gender and Sexuality is often measured against heteronormativity with non heterosexuality, or gender variance being seen as inferior and in some cases pathologised. Kate Bornstein, a queer theorist and trans advocate adheres to a new model of gender that states: “Gender is relative to context and point of view.”
Sexual expression, identity, preference and behaviours in reality are far more varied and complex than the heteronormative perception. Recent theories suggest sexual orientation is naturally fluid (Diamond 2008). What is clear is that same sex desire is a naturally occurring phenomenon.
My personal gender story
I have a trans history, meaning I have gone through a process of gender transition over many years. I identify as male, yet I can use differing words/labels for my gender: These being man, trans man/masculine, trans, trans history, FTM. There will likely be many more gendered labels I can occupy and fluctuate between over time, space and history. This is a demonstration that gender is not singular and gendered language is a socially constructed component of gender. Having this experience of social and medical transition has enabled me to have a good understanding of the processes of gender transition. However, there is of course the subjective experience of being trans, which is unique to each person. I hold a very wide perspective of what trans is and have learnt to be mindful not to project my experience of trans onto clients. We all have a different gender journey and a different understanding of who we are. I take an intersectional approach, aware of my own identities when working with clients with their intersections. This may mean I need to acknowledge and name the therapeutic power dynamic and influence. My way of working with clients exploring gender and sexuality/expression is to support with curiosity, acknowledgement and affirmation.
What is Trans, Transgender, Transsexual, Non-Binary, Gender Dysphoria. Trans in this context is an umbrella term used to include all variations of gender variance, including non-binary and intersex identities. Transgender is a term that has mostly replaced the term transsexual (although some people may still wish to use this term), for people that have crossed the gender binary and transitioned from one gender to the other gender. This is usually with the help of medical intervention, but this is not always the case.
Non-binary although a relatively new term, is not a new expression of gender. It is a label, amongst others, such as gender fluid or gender queer that describes someone who doesn’t identify with the heteronormative definitions of a man or a woman.
Intersex is an umbrella term to describe the naturally occurring physical variations in sex characteristics (VSC), that some people are born with. This could be referring to gonads, hormones, genitals, and chromosomes that don’t fit binary gender definitions. (Vecchittti, V. Queering Psychotherapy, 2022). Intersex is not about sexuality or gender, and therefore an intersex person may identify with any sexuality or gender. Like trans as an identity, all intersex stories and journeys are different and individual. Some people identify with the label Intersex and others do not and may prefer a diagnostic criteria.
Gender dysphoria is a medical term used by psychiatrists to diagnose patients who have severe and persistent distress about being the wrong gender and who express a strong desire to live as the other gender. It replaces old terms like transsexualism and gender identity disorder. Whilst gender dysphoria is the official medical vocabulary, many individuals feel more comfortable using the term trans or transgender instead.
Neurodivergence – In recent years, I have been learning much more about neurodivergent identities. This has come about as I have found many of my clients living this identity in it’s many aspects/spectrums. Neurodivergence is quite common as a layer of identity in TNBI folx, with estimates of 5 times more likely to exist than in the cis population.
As a result, I have undertaken several trainings on ASD/ADHD/HSP to improve my knowledge and understanding. I follow a strength-based approach where the virtues of each individual’s neurodivergence is celebrated and lived experience is valued over theory. I aim to encourage the clients resourcefulness to create a sense of stability and equilibrium in a world designed primarily for neurotypical, cis gendered people.
“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life.” Robert Louis Stevenson.
Diverse Sexualities and Relationships I also work with adult individuals/partners that identify to non-heteronormative sexualities/relationships, such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, aromantic, queer and the many other colours of sexual expression; as well as consensual non-monogamous relationship styles. I am kink, * sex positive, * sex critical, BDsM friendly and aware. I practice affirmative GSRD therapy, and offer a respectful space where diverse relationship(s) are not seen as problematic.
*sex positive – meaning an ethical, consensual affirming approach to sexual desire.
*sex critical – meaning being critical of norms around sex and sexuality within dominant culture or outside of that. Not all people experience or value sexual desire and expression and this can also be affirming.
How can counselling help?
If a client has come to work explicitly on their concerns with their gender or sexuality, therapy can explore those issues. These may be around chem sex, identity, others perceptions, coming out, relationships, sexual practice, consent, gender dysphoria, gender transitioning.
I work with a depathologising model, where I see the client for who they are, validating their self identity. I encourage clients to self define. My aim is to support the wellbeing of the client with non-judgement and promote good self-esteem and a positive identity.
I work with clients within the trans umbrella, or transgender clients pre, post or questioning transition. I can support the journey of transition (if the client chooses to or not) and work with an internal integration of becoming more of who they are. In other words a more authentic self. Although I am not a gatekeeper for medical treatment, I can offer the psychological support when beginning hormone treatment, or pre and post surgery.
My intention is to support people who have diverse gender, sexual and relationship identities in finding ways where they can find more comfortable and fulfilling lives.